Whether you're networking, mingling with potential new friends, or trying to make a first date less stilted, it's daunting to talk to a near-stranger. What if your small talk feels too small? What if they don't ask you any questions? Worse: what if your mind fully draws a blank when it's your turn to ask them one?
Charles Duhigg, the author of the best-selling book "The Power of Habit," recently published "Supercommunicators" to help readers have better conversations and push past surface-level, tedious chats that don't foster meaningful connection.
When it comes to conversations with new or new-ish people, there is one research-backed hack for "almost any time where you have that little bit of dread or a little anxiety" talking to someone, Duhigg told Business Insider.
It only takes 10 to 20 seconds.
Prepare at least 3 quick topics
"If you're going to a holiday party, if you are going to a work function, it really helps to just jot down three topics in advance," Duhigg told BI.
He learned this from Alison Wood Brooks, an associate professor and researcher at Harvard Business School currently studying the effects of topic preparation with researchers at London School of Economics and Political Science, Imperial College London, and the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania.
Brooks told Business Insider that her research is still ongoing. But three studies of live, face-to-face conversations have found speakers are more confident and verbally dexterous if they brainstorm flexible topics ahead of time.
These are topics that the speaker can bring up but don't have to — simply doing the prep will calm you down and skill you up.
In his book, Duhigg suggested options for possible topics:
What are two topics you might discuss? General topics such as last night's game or a favorite TV show are fine.
What is one thing you hope to say?
What is one question you will ask?
You probably won't get to the topics
Don't spend too much time trying to find the best topics, because you likely won't get to them, Duhigg said.
"Most of the time, you won't actually discuss those things, but your anxiety levels will go down considerably because you feel like you have something to fall back on," Duhigg said. "If there's an uncomfortable silence, you know exactly what you're going to bring up."
He said the preparation is worth it, if only to give you peace of mind, because "the more calm and relaxed we are, the easier it's going to be for us to really connect with someone and have a great conversation."
It's a good habit for all conversations
Brooks told The New York Times that you don't necessarily need to write down topics way in advance. "Even just thinking about one or two ideas in the 20 seconds before a conversation seems to help," she said.
While it can seem forced or like extra work, Duhigg said the technique can help you build a deeper relationship with someone.
"If I care about communicating with you enough that I take a couple of seconds and jot down some topics, I'm not doing anything inauthentic," he said. "I'm showing you that I genuinely want to connect with you, and there's nothing that feels better than that."
